Positive Power Lesson #1

I need to set limits and engage in adequate self-care.

Questions to Ask Yourself

-- Am I at ease saying no to more than I can do?

-- Am I careful about volunteering for new tasks?

-- Do I finish or make good progress in my work by the end of the day?

-- Do I consider my needs for rest, health, nutrition, and exercise in my daily schedule?

-- Do I give myself time to rejuvenate?

Overview

  The recognition that women need to shed their pleasing behaviors has been encouraged in numerous texts.  A recent book, Goodbye Good Girl, stated that " Constantly trying to conform to expectations eventually saps all of your energy until you are limp as a doormat and not exactly in the position to exert a positive influence on the world."  Often a book title gives us insight to messages that need to be heard.  Goodbye Good Girl is a title that reflects the need to shed behaviors of over-accommodation and people-pleasing.  It it interesting to note that two recent books, Bad Girls, Good Girls: Women, Sex and Power in the Nineties and Goodbye Good Girl, encourage women to let go of the "rules" and recognize problematic patterns in the socialization of women.

   Endless pleasing of others robs you of your power.  Unfortunately, the difficulty in managing this behavior is the frequent societal rewarding of the behaviors -- women are always praised for pleasing others.  You also get reinforcement from others by not disappointing them.  However, a source of power lies in the ability to give yourself the same kind of care that you would give to others.

  People-pleasing thinking often leads to indecisiveness by relying upon the opinions of others to determine your actions.  The cornerstone of this behavior is the belief that if you  can get others to be pleased with you and approve of you, then you will feel better inside.  Actually, the opposite happens when you try to please everybody.  It is an impossible task and wears very thin very quickly.  You begin to lose your own self-respect and become resentful of the people you are trying to please.  You do not want to be viewed merely as a hard-working-worker-bee, a rubberstamp worker without the ability to achieve higher positions.  Sometimes you need to make tough decisions that will not please people, that can, indeed, upset people.  Your growth and opportunities will be limited, without a willingness to make hard-line decisions.

Counter Thoughts

1. Someone being disappointed in me is not a life or death matter.

2. Feelings are not a virus in the air -- I am responsible for my own feelings and choose my own feelings.

3. My happiness comes from within, not from without.  I do not depend on approval from the outside world to make me happy.

4. I am committed to a program of self-approval and self-affirmation on a daily basis.

5. Others' opinions do not equal me.  If someone does not like me or rejects me, this does not diminish me in any way, this is only their opinion.

6. Being liked and approved by others is favorable, but not necessary.

7. I can make choices that nurture me.

8. I want to share my life with others, not sacrifice my life for others.

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